another random post...

it's been a long time, is it? today is already 19th february 2013. time flies so fast. 5.05 am and i still haven't sleep. i can't sleep but it's ok because today is my off day. finally! after 7 days straight working, i can get a rest although for 1 day. a lot of things happen at work... since chinese new year just passed a week ago, i'm hella tired... not enough staff at work, not enough sleep, not enough rest. gaahh! i hate it. what i hate the most it, it feel like i'm the only one working there. everything has to ask me. i'm so tired. i just wanna ignore all calls and sms for today. no work for a whole day. try to learn how to be independence. not all things should ask for hundreds time. i'm so stressful. depression. why'd they don't understand?

enough with work! gahhh! just think about it make me so tension!

become adult surely stressful. have to think about anything. future, money, life, work. so difficult! until when should i live like this? have to stop but i don't know how to!

Of Eunhyuk & Eunhae...

10.11.12, when I woke up that morning, I received a message from my bestie.

"I hate Hyuk!"

Just reading that message, my heart was beating so fast. Why did she say like that? Something happened? She would never say like that because Eunhyuk is his ultimate bias. My mind started to go wild. Maybe he's announced that he has a girlfriend? This is what I'm thinking. With my shaking hand, I go online. What I don't wanna know actually happened. There's a picture of Eunhyuk and IU, which they said laying on the bed with Eunhyuk was topless. I couldn't believe it. I could never look at the picture. I cried. But why did I cry? Jealousy? Heartbroken? Shocked? No, it's because I'm hardcore Eunhae's shipper. I've always believe they're real. In just a few seconds, I felt betray. They're not real. They're doing it for the purpose of fan-service. For a few moments, I hate them. They're lying. I felt so stupid because I ship them really hard but for the fact, they're not couple. Why am I so stupid? They'll never be together. They're both man!

I don't know when I'm going back to my sense. Why did I feel so angry? I should be happy that they're not gay! They're doing it because they're a close friend, a brother. I'm the stupid one that thought they're together. I'm so sorry Lee Donghae, Lee Hyukjae. I shouldn't ship you guys like that and now I'm finally realize it.

I don't mind if Eunhyuk and IU really couple. It's their choice, who am I to separate them? But I don't like what she did. Why did she has to accidently posted that picture? What's her purpose?

I heard a lot of rumors until I don't know which one to believe. IU's label company already stated that the picture was taking during summer when IU was really sick and Eunhyuk come to visit her. The picture was taking on the sofa and not on a bed.

Then, I also heard a rumors saying, Eunhyuk wasn't topless. He's wearing a shirt. It's just a camera angle. I felt relief about this, if it's true. There was also a rumor saying that they were once a couple but already broken. But, rumors would always be a rumors.

And since that day, everyone around the world started pointing their fingers at Eunhyuk. What's his fault? He's not the one that posted that picture. It was IU and it's not fair because people only blame him. No matter how heartbroken I am, I can't accept if my oppa is hurt.

SM didn't do anything and the choose to shut their mouth. Is this also a relief? I don't know. Just do whatever they want, just don't cancel Eunhyuk's schedule. I'm more hurt if I couldn't get any news about Eunhyuk. And to think that the leader, Leeteuk, is in army now. Nobody gonna take care of it. I hope my Super Junior oppa will be fine. 

Eunhyuk oppa, no matter what happen, I'll always stand by your side. Don't give up, don't be sad. It's just another problem. Please stay strong. Please remember that you still have your brothers and a lot of ELF supporting you.

And well, to Eunhae's shipper... Are we going to let our ship sink just because of 1 picture? Blehhh... Eunhae got a lot, which I mean, A LOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT, that kind of picture. HAHAHAHAH!!! Even if they're not real, even if they relationship is just like a brothers, let me be in my Eunhae delusional world. I love them until I don't think I can't lose them.

Oppa, hwating! Saranghae!

I wanna...

Me: Mak, cheq nak pi KL bulan depan leh? Ada reunion ngan kawan2
Mak: Tak tau la nanti tanya ayah hang

2 days later...

Me: Boleh tak cheq nak pi KL bulan depan?
Mak: Tak payah duk mengarut la. Dah la pi sorang2.
Me: Kawan cheq amik la nanti, kat Pudu.
Mak: Tak payah la. Nak pi bawak adik hang. Jangan nak mengada pi sorang2. Kalau ada kawan ka sorang teman tak per la. Buat apa pi sampai KL. Depa nak jumpa, depa mai sini.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a life I’ve? What a mother I’ve? What a parents I’ve? For God’s sake, I’m 22 years old already. I’m not 12 years old child. I already live far away before. In that 3 years, did you see any change in me? Am I becoming another person? Am I becoming bad daughter? So, I’m just asking your permission to go for 3 days. Why’s it so hard?

Why can’t you let me go? Why did you control my life? Why did you so cruel? Why you didn’t ever understand my feeling?

I know how to take care of myself. I’m just a teenager who need my freedom.

Your words, it was really stabbing my heart. I’ve cried out loud for 2 hours, you heard it but just ignore it... It’s another stabbing inside my heart. Why, why is it so difficult to understand my feeling?

It’s not 1st time. I already feel hurt many time... Which... I don’t think I can’t bare it anymore. Can I just end my life? Can I run away? Can I?

My greatest time is, when I spend time with my friend. Now, every time I go home, I always cry. It’s like this house don’t feel like a house anymore. Stop controlling my life. I wanna have my life too.

People say when your heart hurt, just hurting your body. Is it true? Can I do it? Can I just die?

I’m sorry, friend. We might not able to meet anymore, especially my college friend. I’m sorry. You don’t have to invite me on your wedding. You don’t have to invite me to go on reunion or something like that.

Let I life alone. Let me be alone. I don’t wanna have a friend anymore. I wanna be ALONE!

After 22 years life, I wish... I was never born to this world... Just... Please, kill me... I’m begging...