Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Why don't you understand me?

By reading my blog, maybe some of you think that I'm having a very good and enjoyable fangirl life. This is all fake. I'm never happy. I've been hiding for a long time and today, finally, I feel so tired of it. I'm not as happy as what you see. I'm not me. When I went to SS2, my parents didn't know about it. Luckily I was studied at a far place from home at that time. When SS3, I didn't dare to tell my parents that I wanted to go, so I just became a silent watcher via internet. When MO.A Live at KL, I made a decision to go but I lied to my parents, saying that I'm going to have a reunion with my college friends. My mum objected. She didn't let me go although I said I gonna meet my friends. I still remember her words, "They should come here to meet you! Why you should go there to meet them?". Am I a princess? I cried all night at that time. Mum, you heard me cried but it seemed like you don't have a heart to concern about my feeling. You simply ignored me. I wasn't give up and after that, I asked once again weather I could go or not. That time my dad answered. "Ok". My dad have a very soft heart. That's why he let me go. Although I knew it was wrong to lie but I can't tell the truth. When Asia Super Showcase, I still didn't dare to tell the truth. So, I told them that my friend was going to get married. With that, I easily can go there. But this time, on SS5, I wanted to tell the truth. Today, I got a little bit of courage to tell them that I want to go to SS5. My dad didn't have any problem with it but my mum said it's a waste. She said why should I meet someone that don't know me. She said why should I like Korean.

Mum, I just want a little bit of happiness. I'm already 24 years old. I'm not a child anymore. Is it wrong if I want to spend time with my friends? Why I can't? What do you want me to do? Please tell me. If I'm gone, is it better? I'm so tired life like this. Do this is wrong, do that is also wrong. I can't do this and that. What should I do?

Please, this is for the last time. I promise, no more concert, no more fangirling, no more Korean, no more anything. Please let me enjoy this one last time.

Chingu, ELF, Super Junior, I'm sorry that you might lost another chingu and fan. I promise to stand with you guys until the end but I don't think I can. I'm so tired already. I'm tired of being fake and liar.

I'm ready to life in this loneliness "prison" for my whole life. It's ok. I don't want a happy life anymore.